How I am coping with my 20 week Pregnancy Loss

  My latest video talks about how I am coping with my loss. I really tried to be as personal as possible. My loss is very hard to discuss sometimes but even harder to talk about the personal things I felt during it. I want other women though to watch my video and realize that what they're feeling is exactly what I was feeling.

  I want my video's to be something that other woman can relate to if they have had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

  A quick update: Next week I go in for a perinatal appointment. I am hoping they will run a few tests on me to see if there is anything they can tell that is out of the ordinary. I will be doing a video this week on what I am hoping and expecting to get out of this appointment.

  Thank you to everyone who liked my page on facebook. If you would still like to like it, here is the link: Thanks!

MIA: For A Reason

I realize I have been MIA for a while now and I have made small hints that I have been busy with a project.

I think at this point I am ready to announce it. I'm going to continue to write because I still enjoy doing this but I have another project now which is Vlogging. If you don't know what that is, it's basically like blogging, but in a video form.

I have been watching the YouTube "pregnancy" community for a while now and I decided I wanted to get involved. I wanted to spread my story and help others who have lost like me. So many people on YouTube have helped me in so many ways and I want to fill a need in their community.

So, that's my big secret! I will probably no longer continue to update on my personal FaceBook about my blog, but I did start a "fan" page that you can like, where you will get all my updates, including my vlog & blog.

Feel free to check it out. To be honest, I am a bit self conscience about it. I know this is what everyone says, but I SERIOUSLY HATE my voice! lol. So every time I try to watch my vlog, I almost have a heart attack. :D

But, I am also very excited about my vlog. I started it about 2 weeks ago and I have been welcomed with open arms and have been featured on one of my FAVORITE YouTube channels EVER. Her name is MamaNatural and I LOVE her!

Here is the video I was featured in: (You might need to copy and paste the URL)

I have been featured in a couple others too!

My channel has grown so much and I have over 4,000 views all together.

So, here it is!

Like my page if you want the updates. :)

Thank you everyone for all of your love and support!

The Waiting Game

So, I know I haven't updated in a long time. Well, in a few weeks, but it seems like so long.

I have a few other projects I've been working on that I'm hoping to share with you all soon. :)

So, the pathology fiasco has been a mess. I tried to get to the bottom of it with the hospital to figure out who made the mistake and no one would tell me anything. Very frustrating! At this point, I'm choosing to just move on from the pathology. I didn't get answers but I may not have anyways.

Now, I'm just waiting, ever so patiently, for the big period! This period will basically be the beginning to possibly another pregnancy. Possibly being pregnant for the 3rd time in less than a year.

We shall see. It's now back to the beginning of this waiting game. Waiting for my period, waiting to see if I get pregnant and waiting (hopefully) nine months to see my precious child that I have fought so hard for.

So ya, just patiently as I can.

In 2 weeks I go see a high risk doctor for a few tests and to determine if I will be a high risk patient of theirs. I'm interested in what they say and then I will likely change OB's and go with someone that I think will be a lot more dedicated to my pregnancy.

I'm getting excited again for my future. I really just can't wait to be pregnant again. As much as I miss my baby and as much as I still wish I was pregnant with him again, I know that I have to keep going and keep trying. I can't give up. Every week is better for me and I know my future is opening up. Sometimes, after loss, the future can look so dark and scary. At times, I still feel that. But, I have hope and I know that there are good days in my future. I will see my happy baby and hopefully soon.


So last Friday, we all know I went and saw my doctor. She explained that pathology was still not in and she was hoping it would be by next week.

Well, I've been going back and forth with them all week trying to figure out if I had actually signed papers for pathology while I was in the hospital. I explained that I had signed many papers in there but I did not remember signing specifically pathology papers that day. Well, I could obviously tell that they were having problems and that there must have been a mix up.

Sure enough, my doctor called me yesterday and confirmed that because they had no record of anything being signed, he has not been sent anywhere and pathology had not been done. Due to having delivered him over 3 weeks ago and him already being passed 2 weeks before that, she explained that now it was probably too late and we probably will not be able to find out much.

I am so extremely mad, confused and sad. First of all, I can not explain how abundantly clear it was in that hospital room that I wanted pathology done. The doctor that helped deliver the placenta had even told the nurses to send everything, including his umbilical cord to pathology. She said we should have answers about his umbilical cord and now we have nothing..

I decided to call around and actually spoke with a head pathologist at Loma Linda and told him my story, how far along I was, how big the baby was etc. He then said that it really was too late for pathology now and that the only thing that could be done was possibly an autopsy. Well, honestly, the main reason I wanted this done was to know if this could happen again. The way to see that is to have chromosomal testing done. He said that it was absolutely too late for that. At this point we could MAYBE find out why he died but if there was a reason, like for example, his heart didn't form properly or whatever, then that would be a fluke but he wouldn't be able to confirm whether that would happen again or not.

So, after hearing that, I had to decide if I still wanted to at least do an autopsy. Now, if I sign this paper for this to be done it explains that he will then be shipped out to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and after everything was done they would then mass cremate him with many other "fetuses" and he would then be mass buried in Minnesota. Well, after reading that, it totally freaked me out. I had already been having such a hard time. I honestly was so freaked out about where he was and what they were doing with him.

I understand that his body is not him and he is in heaven. I understand his body is not what matters anymore. But to me, it was all I had of him. I didn't want them to throw him away which is what I pictured them doing. I knew that even if I died and I was in heaven my mom would not allow them to do that to my body. She would take care of me/my body. That's how I feel about my son. I don't want them to "mass cremate" him and throw him in some burial in Minnesota. He was mine and he belongs with me. So, after a lot of discussion with my family we decided that for my peace of mind we could not sign that paper and send him to Minnesota, and that testing was off the table now.

I will tell you that I am extremely upset with the hospital. Because of this mistake on their part, I am now having to deal with this 3 weeks later. I now have to call around to funeral homes and decide what I want to do. I will be taking this up with the hospital and they will be hearing what I have to say. This mistake is completely inexcusable and irreversible.

At this point though, I need to decide what I want to do. I can't believe that now I have to decide this. It's something I never want to think about for any of my family members, let alone my son. I have to decide if I want to now bury him or have him cremated.  I have never liked the idea of cremation. I have some issues with it, as I'm sure others do and I just wasn't sure if it was something I wanted to go with. I also know that burial is extremely expensive and is probably not going to be an option for me. I also don't know where. I don't know if I'm going to live here forever and I can't bear the thought of just leaving one day when he is here. So, I called around about cremation. Cremation is still quite expensive. I'm  trying to find some cheaper places. Which, I've been told so many different prices. I've been given $600, $350, and $250. So obviously $250 is the best I've been given so that's probably the price that I'll be paying.

I'm just upset about the whole ordeal and mad that I have to make so many decisions so late in the game. It's frustrating that they made such a bad mistake that could possibly affect future pregnancies down the road.

BUT, I'm definitely seeing the silver lining. This has been something I have been struggling with for so long and now I have a chance to have him close to me for always. Maybe there was no reason at all to have pathology done and God knew this was the better option for me.

We will see how things work out. I'm waiting to receive a call from my doctor to find out exactly where my son is and what I need to do in order to have a funeral home go pick him up. From what I understand, I will receive a very small urn of his ashes. I can then decide what I want to do...spread them, put them in a locket, etc.

Hopefully we can get some things figured out next week as today was extremely difficult to get answers.

My Doctors Visit: 2 Weeks Later

I had my doctors appointment yesterday. It was a terrible feeling to walk back into that office where not just 2 weeks ago I cried my heart out from the loss of my little boy.

It was crazy that the longest I have ever had to wait in that office was yesterday. My nerves were on edge and my anxiety was so high. After about 45 min of waiting they finally called me back there.

Finally after more waiting in the room, my doctor came in. She immediately asked if I had ordered pathology. I was shocked because I was told that by my next appointment it would be in and here my doctor was asking if I had even wanted pathology.

I told her yes and that I was hoping it would have been in by today. She said it wasn't and that she would call on Monday to see what's going on with it. So I immediately knew I wasn't going to get much answers out of her. She did say that pathology for the placenta was in and everything looked great. Nothing was wrong with that.

We discussed what our next steps would be. She wants me to see a high risk specialist and have some tests done. We want to see if there is anything we will need to do differently for the next pregnancy and determine if I am high-risk enough to need to be with a high-risk doctor and if I will need to deliver at a hospital in San Diego because they are the only hospital around here that has a NICU if I need one.

I am currently high-risk with my bicornuate uterus but it is not considered enough to need a specific high-risk doctor.

We asked her if we could feel confident that it was not my bicornuate uterus that could have caused this. She said it's pretty unlikely that it could have been that. She explained that with my uterus, I have more of a risk of him growing bigger than the space he had and then possibly me going into pre-term later. Rather, his heart just stopped. That's not normal and most likely was not my uterus.

She did explain that with any future pregnancies I will not going any further than 39 weeks in my pregnancies. Because I have a history now of a 2nd trimester miscarriage I will either be induced at 39 weeks if head is down or I will have a c-section at 39 weeks if the baby is breech. So, that's kind of interesting. I will never have that waiting game. I will have a baby at 39 weeks. I find that interesting.

Other than that, we talked about what she would do differently for the next pregnancy. (If I did choose to go with her again.) She did explain that she would probably do just about the same thing but she would probably start ultrasounds at 17 weeks and then every 4 weeks after that.

I did get a chance to get a little off my chest. I did let her know that I was upset that she didn't allow me a chance to see him one more time. I explained that obviously I understand that she probably wouldn't have been able to do anything but that decision will always haunt me. I should have seen him one more time. Even if she would have said that everything looked great. At least I would have known that at that point, he was fine and everything looked good.

Luckily, she understood where I was coming from and she understood what I was saying and she apologized. She said that unfortunately she could not at that point treat a patient any differently. It was hard for me to understand what she was saying. I know that she can't admit that what she did was wrong or that she made a bad decision. But, I just felt like saying..."Look, I understand that I am just 1 of your hundreds of pregnancies that you deal with. But to me, this was my ONE. My one baby. I lived with him everyday and all I wanted in life was to get to see him alive. He was my baby and because you didn't want to lean away from what's "normal", I lost my baby. I LOST MY BABY!" But I couldn't. I think she understood and I think I let a little off my chest. I felt better that she at least listened to why I was upset with her and she did apologize. She felt really bad and maybe, just maybe, she did learn that sometimes it's okay to lean away from what's normal every once in awhile. I know she will never admit that. But, maybe even in a few months from now she will have a soon-to-be mom in her office begging her for an ultrasound and maybe she'll decide to check. Maybe, she'll even be able to catch something and save a babies life even though she couldn't save mine. Maybe.

So now, on Monday or Tuesday I am waiting for her to call me. She will let me know IF pathology was sent in and what the results are if they are in. Once I have those then we can kind of decide what our next plan of action would be. I will be making an appointment with a Peri-natologist for about 6 weeks out from delivery. That's when I will start the testing, as well.

She said that I can probably start trying again after about 2-3 months. So that tells me that probably around November I can try again. That's a very scary thought but one thing that really gets me through the day is knowing that I will have another baby in my belly soon and before I know it I will have a baby in my arms. I WILL have a baby in my arms. I will never give up.

I Am Scared.

I'm just scared. It's as simple as that. I'm scared of everything.

I don't think I ever had a chance to explain why I still blame my doctor. In my "Part 1" blog I explained " that moment, I blamed myself. I blamed my prenatal pills. I blamed my eating habits. I blamed my sleeping habits. I blamed my job. I blamed the people outside the grocery store for smoking in front of me. I blamed my doctor, which I still do blame her."

At my last doctors appointment when I was 17 weeks and 4 days I begged my doctor for an ultrasound. I was told at my gender reveal that he didn't look like he had a lot of room or water to swim in. They said he looked small and I had been getting bad feelings for a long time. So at this appointment I asked my doctor for a scan. Honestly, I begged her. She said no over and over. I continued to beg and I kept asking why? Was it the time? Money? What was it? Why couldn't she take 5 minutes out of her day to just look at the baby? I probably annoyed the crap out of her. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't give me one. I sort of annoyed myself. She kept saying that either way there was nothing she could do, even if his water was low.

After I left, I was extremely irritated and I felt like I made my feelings quite clear of what I wanted. She raised many red flags for me. She basically proved that she would not be persuaded by her patients instincts or gut feelings. That she was the doctor and she would make the decisions, not me. I was immediately thrown off and just kept thinking how was I going to cope with this lady when I give birth? I will not be okay when she is calling the shots that I don't agree with. But, the only reason I didn't completely freak out was because I would have that anatomy scan in 2 weeks. I could wait 2 weeks. And I decided that if she showed any other signs that this doctor-patient relationship would not work, I could always find a new doctor.

Two weeks later, at my anatomy scan, I would end up not seeing my baby alive. I explained to them that I just heard his heartbeat 2 weeks ago at my last appointment and they said that it was very soon after that that he died. One of the many things I screamed in that office was "I told her! I told her to check him!" Why didn't she? It's one of the many questions that will haunt me.

I blame my doctor. Now, I don't necessarily blame her for the death of my baby boy. I mean, she may not have been able to prevent it, although we probably will never truly know that answer. Maybe she would have seen signs that something was wrong. Maybe she could have put me on bed rest? Or something else? I don't know. I may never know. But she did deny my last chance to see him alive. My last chance to see him moving and stretching. That's something I will always have to live with. Tomorrow at my appointment, I plan to let her know how I feel. If anything, I want to show her that she should have listened to my instincts and she should listen to other moms instincts. We are moms and this is our body. If we feel like somethings wrong, we should have a chance to see. It's disgusting that these doctors have so many patients that they can't truly invest into our pregnancies. We are just one of there hundreds of pregnant women. They don't realize this is our one. This is our baby. We are in love with our babies and we deserve more time.

 I begged her for that ultrasound and she just said no over and over and over again. She will not be my doctor again. I want her to know what I have to live with. There is nothing she can say to make me feel better. If she tries to pacify me and tell me that even if she looked there would have been nothing she could do...I won't believe her. She doesn't know that. What if they could have sent me to a hospital in San Diego? She will never know and neither will I.

Tomorrow I go in for my appointment 2 weeks after my delivery. They will tell me how my healing is going, most of all though, pathology should be in.

I am so scared. I am scared of what they will say. How did he die? Why did he die? I'm scared of the answer. I'm scared of them giving me no answer. No reason. It will be so hard to cope with that. But, what if they say it was me? Or my uterus? What if I can't have babies? What if they tell me that?

I'm scared of the answer and I'm scared of no answer. 

I'm scared of right now. My feelings. They haunt me. Everyday, every hour, every minute and second. My thoughts will get to me. It's hard when your scared of yourself, your mind. I'm scared of where my mind will take me. I usually have pretty good control of my mind. Lately though, I don't like to be alone and I don't like the silence, I don't have control of my mind. It takes me into some dark places.

I'm scared of the future. More loss? More hurt? I can't bear the thought

I'm just scared.

Is There More?

Yesterday I decided to go through his memory box. The box scared me when I first came home. It contained his "things". A very tiny hat, that was probably still too big for him, a small crocheted blanket, a small heart that contained seeds to plant "Forget Me Nots", a very small "sleeping bag" type blanket and a small heart shaped pillow and teddy bear. The final item of the box though is what scared me the most. A SD card. The SD card that my nurse told me held a picture of my baby boys hand laying on the small heart shaped pillow.

Yesterday, I went through his box and at the bottom laid that SD card. I grabbed it and walked over to Bryan's computer and slowly, with shaking hands, placed it in its slot. I took a few deep breaths and my heart pounded as I opened each folder. There was one picture. I opened it up and for a second, gasped. There laid his hand. His hand looked so big! It looked so.....gone. But most of all, it looked so real. At first I was scared but I quickly fell in love with that hand. I memorized it and stared at it. I began to cry. I ran over to his box and grabbed that heart shaped pillow so I could understand just how small his hand really was. I realized that in reality his hand was the entire size of the tip of my index finger. I laid the tip of my finger over the tip of the pillow that laid his hand 1 week ago. I couldn't believe how real he was.

He was always real but precious and helpless was that tiny hand. It was so beautiful. I memorized the tips of his barely-formed fingers and finger nails. His knuckles, his skin, his tiny and way-too-skinny wrist, up his arm until the picture ended. The picture ended too soon. I wanted to see more, I needed to see more. What did the rest of him look like? I went back in the file to see if there were any other pictures that maybe I missed. How could there only be one picture? One tiny picture of his hand. There has to be more! But that's it. That's all i'll ever have of him.

One tiny picture of one tiny, peaceful, beautiful hand. The proof of how real he was. The proof that he lived and grew in my body for 20 weeks.

Why couldn't she picture more of him? Why weren't his feet pictured? Why wasn't there more? I know he was gone for 2 weeks and I understand that that's a long time for a human body to be gone. But his hand.....I stared at it for longer as I grasped his tiny blanket and rubbed that tiny pillow. Did he ever actually use this blanket? Did he ever lay in it? I just cried and cried as I stared at it. His hand was real, where is the rest of him? His hand looked like Bryan's, his thumb reminded me of Bryan's. It comforting to know that I will always have Bryan. Now I look at Bryan and wonder what else of my baby boys features looked like his. I wanted to compare their hands side by side, but I can't.

This has been a sad day. This has restarted my grief. I miss the boy I never met.